I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
