well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
