Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
