Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
