I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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