I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
