HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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