Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
