What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
