Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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