I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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