i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
