1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
