If i come over, it means nothing
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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