dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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