you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
