were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
