Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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