what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
