I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
