I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
