Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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