I heard we made out
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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