Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
