I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
