He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
