i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
