would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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