i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
