ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
