$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
