Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
