i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
