you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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