Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
