he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
