mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
