"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
