she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
