Apparently you make a good broom.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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