I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
