You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
