You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
