Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
