You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
