just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
