I wish I could punch you in the face.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm at about main and main street
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
