college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
