My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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