i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
